NEWSPAPERS:
If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always
use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose. VISITORS:
Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room,
barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the
floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern. BARKING:
Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a lot. Your
owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late
at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure
feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing
your protective bark, bark, bark... LICKING: Always
take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans
prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel. HOLES:
Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting
your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice.
If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think
it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your
part to help correct this problem. DOORS: The area
directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep. THE
ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty,
as the family dog, to accommodate them. DINING ETIQUETTE:
Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests,
so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to
practice your sniffing. HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking
is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible. GOING
FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress,
never go to the bathroom on your own lawn. COUCHES: It
is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone
to bed. PLAYING: If you lose your footing
while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't
injure yourself. CHASING CATS: When chasing cats,
make sure you never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun. CHEWING:
Make a contribution to the fashion industry . ...Eat a shoe. |